Can You See In The Dark?

On Friday I came back from a week long history trip in Germany and Prague. Since that time all I've done is sleep, eat and watch movies. I'm watching Brick at the moment and it's kind of making me sad but then the electric meter reader man came to read the meter and I didn't really know where it was and I must've seemed like a complete idiot.

Anyway, like I said I was in Germany/Prague last week and it was pretty fucking awesome and I really want to go back. I keep looking at the pictures everyone took and bursting into fits of laughter. Despite it being a educational history trip the only thing I really learnt is that defenestration is the best way to win an argument, though it may lead to a 30 year war.

I stood in some weird places on the trip. I stood where Gavrilo Princip, the guy who effectively started WW1 by killing Franz Ferdinand was imprisoned, I stood where Hitler gave his speeches at Zeppelin Fields and I stood where a week later Obama stood. It's quite a weird feeling.

Anyway, I'm back now and off school for two weeks for Easter and I have so many plans but I really need to revise for my french oral, which is on the first day back, because at the moment words come out of my mouth but have zero meaning and I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail at life.

Anyway, I was outside having a cigarette at about 1 last night/this morning and there wasn't any wind but just this coldness that hung in the air and it spelt like spring because it kind of is spring now and the moon was really bright and my cigarette made that chh sound every time I took a drag and I like that sound, that sound and that smell is maybe the perfect combination.

A Floorplan Of My Head And Heart.

Do you know that feeling when you're in a car and it feels like you're driving away from something big, like you're leaving something behind that you don't really want to but know you have to? Well I have that sitting down.

It's a rather nice day and I might walk up to that hill, the one I can see out of my parents bedroom window, the orange field, the field of thought. James and I went to sit there last week, or maybe it was the week before I can't remember and we just sat there and it was windy and at times too cold but it was nice and it was peaceful and I wish other things were like that too.

I have an unbearable amount of media coursework to do and I keep putting it off because if I start doing my head might explode and I'd hand it in covered in blood and brains and little bits of bone and teeth.

There is so much going on right now yet nothing's happening. Like I could do 100 things today but at the end of it I'd be back where I was at the start of it all. I feel like it's all building up to something big but I don't know what and I want to know because I like to know things.

Later I think I'm going to watch either A Scanner Darkly, Brick or American Beauty. I'm not sure which one yet though. I'll probably ponder over the decision so long I won't actually have time to watch it and then spend all night doing jack shit and be bored. I've been bored a lot lately. I never used to be bored, I used to be able to entertain myself but now I just annoy myself.

I can't wait to go to Prague at the end of the month. It might not even be that good but at least I'll be surrounded by people so even if I wanted to think about things I wouldn't be able to because I'll have Sara in one ear shouting 'banana mush' and Connie in the other shouting 'med-mod', that's not a metaphor, they really do shout those things on a regular basis, it's the equivalent to my 'falafel'.

Anyway, I'm going to sort my life out/eat icelollies around James'/go for a walk/fight the urge to jump.

I'm Going To Buy A Gun And Start A War, If You Can Tell Me Something Worth Fighting For

It's 13.39 and I'm still in bed and I have no intention of getting up for at least another two hours. Yesterday I came back from a long weekend in London and it was shattering. But I'd prefer to be happy and tired than this and tired. I don't really know what 'this' is. It's a weird feeling, not necessarily bad, but it's the same sort of feeling I had this time last year and the events that followed were not fun.

On Sunday, we went to Camden Market and I spent more than I could afford. I bought this Bansky canvas and it's sitting on the shelf in front of me and I keep just looking at it and thinking 'yeah, change would be good.'

Then we went to Covent Gardens and we got a coffee and sat on the pavement listening to a busker called Alonso. He played Bob Dylan 'Don't Think Twice, It's Alright' for me and then he played Cat Stevens 'Father and Son' and in that moment everything was perfect/beautiful/sad.

But now I'm back home and I'm just sitting here in this weird mood not really knowing what to do with myself. I'm listening to Elliott Smith and waiting for American Beauty to download and my mug of tea is empty and I can't be bothered to go and make another one even though I really want one.

I need to get out of the house but I don't know where to go and I don't know who with. I'm so boring these days. All I do is work and play pool over James' and when I'm not doing that I sleep, or at least I try to sleep. I need something big to happen. I need another trip somewhere. I need something to do. I need someone to do. I just need something to change to get me out of this monotonous rut. Surely, I shouldn't have ruts at this age.

And The 3rd of February Was Covered With Snow And So Was The Turnpike From Stockbridge to Boston

Yesterday I asked the weather for it to snow all night and for the ground to be completely covered and s/he granted my request. But what I should've asked was to be well enough to go and play in the snow. I've got one of those colds that just comes on overnight and hits you for six. My head feels like it's in a bubble and my eyes are sinking back into my head shouting 'go back to sleep!'. I'm not usually one to cop out because of illness (unless it's school or work) but it's that bad of a cold, like I don't want to go outside for my own benefit.

In Wales it snows maybe every two or three years and I can remember at least two other times it has snowed when I've been ill. The first was when I was 3/4 when I was home ill and everyone in nursery was in the park making snowmen and I could see them from my window and the second was 5 or 6 years ago when we went up the Brecon Beacons sledging and I sat in the car for 3 hours sleeping cause I couldn't cope. Therefore, it is evident I don't have much luck with snow. And I didn't even mention when I went skiing and was sick everyday for a week.

So anyway, I'm sitting here in my bed and my floor is covered in tissues and my room smells like menthol and lemon. I have a job interview later so I'm hoping for a miracle of some sorts so I don't look or sound quite so ill. I think evil is at work with this. It wants me to have a shockingly bad interview so I have to work in Rosebys FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I know I've said this before but I hate it and I can never say that too much, cause it really is that bad.

I've been playing Tetris all morning and I've found that I play best when I'm ill, freezing, freshly drugged up and listening to Massive Attack (I got new highscores on Teardrop and Angel). This is what my life has come to; not only playing Tetris far too much but analysing it too.

Now I just feel sad. Cause everyone is uploading pictures of themselves with snow and they are my favourite kind of pictures. I also like pictures with leaves and funny faces. I think when I'm older I'll live somewhere where it snows a lot cause I like the snow. It makes me feel cosy and little. And yesterday when it started snowing, James and I ran around my garden with our mouths open catching snowflakes on our tongues and the snowflakes will big like marshmallows falling from the sky.

Random Wanderings.

I'm lying in bed and the sun is shining through the window. It's a really summery sun and I'm listening to The Moldy Peaches, Modest Mouse and Iron & Wine and everything is just really, really summery and I want to go somewhere but James is on his driving lesson and he's the only person I see nowadays and I'm not going out on my own cause I'll drive myself insane.

I need to go shopping and I need a cup of tea. I've run out of clothes to wear. I have about 2 jumpers and 2 hoodies that I wear constantly and when they're dirty I just chuck them in a pile in the corner of my room so when I finally put things in the wash I have nothing to wear. I want some new cardigans. And some new jeans and hats and scarfs.

I was in Tesco's yesterday and I saw a whole row of Easter eggs and I'm sitting here with a mince pie. It doesn't feel like it was Christmas a month ago. It feels like months since Christmas Day but only days since the week between Christmas and New Year. I don't really like Christmas anymore. It's not as fun anymore and everything bad seems to happen around Christmas. Spring and Autumn are my favourite seasons, they're both rainy and sunny and I like that.

Anyway, back to wanting to go somewhere. I want to go somewhere with a bit of atmosphere. I'd prefer it to be somewhere hot cause I don't like shivering. I like wrapping up warm though so I'll make some exceptions depending on place. But I just want to go somewhere, I'm sick of going to the same boring places everyday. In the next month I have plans to go to Swansea, Bristol and London I can't wait. I want to go back to Granada. I remember the waitress at the place we had breakfast everyday, she was cute and my gaydar was going.

I was just looking to see if I'd mention the cute Spanish girl before and I couldn't find her. But I did find that I talk about wanting to be somewhere else a lot. Because, on a scale of one to ten, that's my main feeling most of the time.

I've been playing Tetris a lot lately. Like so much that when I close my eyes I play it in my head. I think maybe I'm addicted. I had this same problem with Bubbleshooter about this time last year and I used to dream about. I think those people who say video games can drive people to murder have a valid point, seriously going crazy, don't know what I might do. Tetris isn't even violent.

I really need a new job. Not only do I hate it but I'm no good at, my boss told me. I want to work in a music shop and when someone asks where the 50 Cent albums are, I'll be all 'Yo, listen to good music' and throw Bob Dylan albums at them. Or maybe a book shop. Did you know that Katie Price has written books, not just one, books, plural. I didn't even know she could spell her own name. It's a hideous thought that people are actually reading it.

Also, finally been persuaded to get Twitter.

I Will Run Away With Youuuu.

I'm on the phone to James and he said I have to write a new post because I haven't in a while but it seems like I did last week or something. James just said he wants to put his head down the toilet and flush is because everything is shit and I agree with him. Y'know when everything just sort of starts spiralling out of control and snowballing and there's nothing you can do about it?

Well, anyway, James has requested a post all about him. And I'll start by saying James is my bestfriend, actually he's my babygirl and everyone thinks we're going out but for the record we're deffo not. I go around his almost everyday and we play pool and darts and drink beer because we're not allowed to do that in pubs yet. James likes to listen to Rick Springfield and Destiny's Child, but doesn't like listening to Ani DiFranco because it makes him sad and is the reason for him being sad now.

James and I have a plan. A series of events that must happen over the course of the next 10 years or else we fail at life. Actually fail at it. The first is coming up in exactly a months time. We're going to London: staying with my cousin for 2 nights and his auntie (who isn't his actual auntie but who is one of the funniest people I've ever met) for 2 nights and we're just going to get away from it all.

Then mid-March for Emily's birthday along with her and Lucinda we're going to Emily's caravan in West Wales and we're going to go and see where Dylan Thomas lived and because there's nothing else to do around there get loads of shit and food and turn our brains to mush.

When we finally make it through these two tedious years of hell we're going to go to Cardiff Univeristy. Way too close to home but there will be a rule that I can only see my parents in the holidays and we're going to live there, but not in anywhere like G-Town. Abbey's mum said I could move in if I needed to and I'm sure James would be able to fit in too.

Then, due to watching Into The Wild we've hatched a plan to travel from California to Alaska like SuperTramp and throw some classic Kerouac moments in there too. But hopefully we won't actually get to Alaska because that's where SuperTramp died and because of Sarah Palin.

This has been very brief because I'm awfully tired and still have things to do before sleepies. I think I should have watched Factory Girl after all the things I actually needed to do which remain undone. Also, I don't think this is very good and I told James that and he said 'so I'm sure it's great' and in a weird way that's one of the nicest/most comforting things anyone has said to me.

So This Is The New Year, And I Don't Feel Any Different.

Since 2009 has started it's like the whole of 2008 has been chopped up, condensed and pushed into the past two days. There has been no change whatsoever between 31st December 2008 and 2nd January 2009. Maybe some people did wake up on Tuesday morning and have this epiphany and have gone out and changed their lives, but I think most people woke up hungover and during the afternoon. But I'm still tired, I still dread going to work, I still haven't got any work done and I'm still feeling like poop. So I'm making some resolutions starting from tomorrow morning and I plan on sticking to them (I know everyone says that every year but I'm serious this time):

i. try to get to sleep at a decent hour every night
ii. find a job I like or at least one that doesn't make me want to die
iii. do work at least 36 hours before it's due
iv. learn to drive as quick as I can so I can go for drives to clear my head

Anyway, I've got work in the morning and will finish this when I have time which will either be Sunday, Mid-February or never.